I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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