I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
