I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
