the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
