he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
