Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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