All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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