I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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