when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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