so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
