I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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