Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
