The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
