ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
