Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
that is very illegal...i love you.
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