Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
