I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
