you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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