meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Of course I have a pirate flag
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
