How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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