So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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