I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
