smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize