bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
