Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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