you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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