he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
