Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
