If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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