We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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