I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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