I am puke
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
