Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
