Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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