I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
