I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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