I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
