I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
