And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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