Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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