i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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