I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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