My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize