Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
