I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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