im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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