i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
