My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
