Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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