M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
