I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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