I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
