i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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