I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
