Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
