you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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