we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
