You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
