and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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