Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
