Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
