Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
